My age isn't usually a big deal to me. It's a number I try to remember. Tracking the passage of time isn't something I spend a lot of energy doing, whether it's my age, how long I've been with Andrew, or anything else.
I'm happiest when I'm focused on what's happening around me, not when I'm trying to hold on to everything that's passed. It's not an accident that one of my favorite movie quotes is the last line of the movie Happy Here and Now
, "What really matters is close at hand and coming at you this moment ... now ... now ... now."
That's why it was super weird for me to have an issue with turning 40 - an issue which started the day I turned 39. I thought 39 would be cool because it's 3 plus three 3s - and I love 3. But, no, it was a year of, "What does it mean that I'm going to be 40 in a year? ... in 364 days ... in 363 days ... etc.
I've done a lot of reassessing. I've thought about the future of my life, what I want to be doing, where I want to end up, and how to get there. And now, after three years of introspection and hard work, I feel like the shift is complete (though, not the journey).
I recently turned 42, which many will recognize as the answer tolife, the universe, and everything
. I feel like the world has opened back up for me again. I feel free again. Not the same freedom I felt at 20. which was an "I can do anything I want" freedom ... this freedom feels more like, "now I know what I want to be doing."
I just remembered that I faced a similar situation when I turned 20. At that time, I felt I was shifting from being a child to being an adult. I suspect that turning 60 will trigger another bout of self-reflection. But until then, I'm going to totally rock this old lady thing!
Last year, my theme song was Shatter Together
by My Jerusalem. And this year it's Love The House You're In
by Moonface. Appropriate, both.