I am the Queen of Awkward Preambles.  I can remember a couple particularly uncomfortable ones when Andrew and I started dating.  I could see the confusion and terror in his eyes as I would slowly, and painfully, get to the point, which was never quite as bad as my preamble implied.

Today, you get to experience this yourself.

The post below was written almost two months ago at the end of a pretty terrible day.  After writing it, I felt a lot better.  I kept meaning to post it, but I never got around to it.

Now that two months have gone by, I've noticed some changes in myself.  It seems like writing it all down actually made a difference. I've been much more confident about the choices I make.  I've started to have a kind of clarity about the direction I want to go.

I'm going to start by posting this, and I'm planning a follow-up post (or two) that will talk about some of the ways I've adjusted since.

(This is the end of the Awkward Preamble ™.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I barely have time to show you all crafty-happy-fun stuff that goes on around here, so it should be no surprise that I almost never share the crafty-sad-bitter stuff.  It's not that I don't want to, but why spend hours blogging about negative stuff when I could use that time to make something?  Today is an exception, because ... well, why the hell not?

Normally the craft blog community is a source of inspiration, friendship, and joy ... but occasionally, the whole thing gets overwhelming and tumbles over on me.  Crushing me.

I can only read about so many people who have the opportunities I want, have the resources I wish I had, know the right people, were in the right place at the right time, and do the things I wish I could do, before I start crusting over with an acrimonious shell of bitterness and vitriol.

Today has been particularly ugly.

Being hostile isn't new for me.  In my day-to-day life I'm usually combat-ready.  In a general way, I see other people as potential enemies and situations as potential conflicts.  This can be a great asset for me.  I don't get taken advantage of easily.  I'm prepared for almost any disaster.  You know, stuff like that.

But other times, my hostility makes me clench my fists, scrunch my face, grind my teeth, squint my eyes, and exude malice.  I become a beacon of hate.  That is where I've been today with the whole crafting thing.

But it's OK, because I'm going to make this work for me, not against me.

Part of the problem is that I feel entitled to things I can never have. Whether the hurdle is money, time, or whatever, there are just some things that I will never afford or be able to do. That part I'm just going to have to get over.

Another part of the problem is that I forget that what is right for other people might not be right for me.  I can't use other people's accomplishments or other people's expectations as a way to measure whether I'm successful. I need to do what is right for me, even if it's not what everyone else would do.

Keeping these things in mind, I'm going to sort through my bitterness.  I'm going to discard all the evil fluff, all the things I think I should do, and all the things I think other people think I should do.  After getting rid of all of those things, if there is anything left, I will make that my focus.  I think there is some truth, some burning desire at the center of my malevolence - and I'm going to find it.