My birthday is coming up soon.  I'm an October baby, one of the many reasons Fall is my favorite time of year.  As I get older, the cash-to-presents ratio has been growing (more cash, less presents). I love it because I get to splurge on myself, which I normally don't do.

Now I have to change the subject ... but we'll get back to the birthday money in a minute.  In my early twenties I started getting terrible acne.  I tried everything to get rid of it, and I do mean *everything*.  After the dermatologist had me take antibiotics for a year with no improvement, I decided to take Accutane.  This stuff is intense.  I had to sign several forms saying that I understood terrible things might happen, like my corneas might turn permanently milky white.  Sounds good to me!  That is how badly I wanted to get rid of my acne.

Once a month, for 6 months, I gave blood.  The blood was analyzed, and they did a pregnancy test.  Accutane causes wicked-freaky babies, in fact, the blister pack had a line drawing of a deformed baby with a red circle with a red line through it printed over *every* pill.  Right after starting Accutane, my blood lipid (fat) levels were a little elevated, and my doctor became concerned.  I begged her to leave me on it for another week. I told her I would do whatever she asked to lower my lipid levels.

She told me to stop drinking alcohol and severely limit my fat intake.  So I did.  After a week I returned and my lipid levels were back to normal, so she left me on Accutane.  But, just in case you missed that, I couldn't eat much fat!  That means no donuts, no mayo, no cheese, no ice cream, no cookies, no butter - nothing that tastes good!

The dermatologist hadn't set any sort of level for my fat intake.  I arbitrarily decided I could eat 15 grams of fat a day, maximum. Most days, I don't think I even ate that.  I clearly remember being offered some M&Ms by a co-worker and counting out exactly 15-grams-of-fat worth.  It was a sad, sad time for yummy things.

To allay my fat cravings, I got creative.  I turned to scented candles and lip gloss.  Vanilla is my favorite flavor in most anything - ice cream, icing, cake, etc. The most yummy smelling candles in the world (THE WORLD) are buttercream scented Yankee candles.  From the time got home from work, to the time I went to bed, there was one burning in my apartment.  But, when I wasn't at home, I needed something portable, so I bought every vanilla lip gloss I could find.  Most of them suck ass.  The worst are the ones that don't taste like vanilla at all, but more like a weirdo banana flavor.

But, I fell in love when I found Smackers Roll-on Shiner in Va Va Vanilla by Bonne Bell.  This stuff is the best lip gloss in the world (THE WORLD).  It smells like vanilla cream cheese icing.  It tastes yummy.  It stays slick and shiny and never ever gets tacky or sticky.  Along with the candles, it got me through my six months of no fat.

Va Va Vanilla was my faithful companion for the next 7 years.  Until one day last year, when I was buying a replacement, I noticed that they were on sale for half-price.  I bought every lip gloss they had.  At first I was excited about the deal, but then it dawned on me that they were getting rid of all the Roll-on Shiners, and I started to worry.

I contacted Bonne Bell and found out that they were discontinuing Va Va Vanilla. (... oh, no ...)  They told me I could order it directly from them, at full price, of course, until they were out of stock.  I was not happy, to put it mildly.  If they weren't going to make it anymore, I wanted to find a sustainable source of good lip gloss.  I went out and spent a truck load of money to test all the current vanillas.

Yuck.  The worst was when I bought the one that plumps-up your lips.  I thought it was just a goofy marketing lie, but that stuff *stings* when you put it on.  And it *is* a lie, really.  It stings your lips and turns them red, but there is no plumping going on.

At this point in my failed quest, my birthday rolls around.  I'm sitting on a nice pile of cash from the relatives and wondering what to do with it.  I call Bonne Bell back and ask about the lip gloss again.  I'm informed that they have a couple hundred of them left (!) and they are selling them at half price now.

I did some calculations and figured that I use four lip glosses a year.  I had enough cash to buy 40 (a ten-year supply) plus have money left over - so that's what I did.  I thought I would look insane buying all they had, but that I would look reasonable only buying a ten-year supply.  I probably should have gone ahead and bought them all, because, at this point, it's all just shades of crazy.

The first question people ask is whether they are going to go bad.  I asked, and have *in writing*, that they have no shelf life.  They are going to last forever.   Some people think that should freak me out, but I'm the girl that took medication that could blind me ... lip gloss made with god-knows-what doesn't phase me at all. I use every last drop of the lip gloss before I throw it out, because I am *so* not looking forward to having to find a new lip gloss.

Soon, I'm going to have another pile of birthday cash.  I'm trying to think of something as good as a ten-year supply of lip gloss.  I've got some ideas, but I haven't decided yet.